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Are you someone who constantly doubts yourself in situations? It could be work, relationships, family, parenting and social situations. Have you ever wondered why this is or have you always accepted this is just who you are? Maybe it isn't and maybe there is something you could do about it.
Some examples...
There is an opportunity for promotion at work. A few other people are keen to go for it, however you feel as though they will be much better than you and talk yourself out of even trying.
In your friendship group, you are the quietest member. You often think that you don't really offer much to the group because compared to them, you feel dull and boring. Being in large groups fills you with anxiety.
You feel like a failure in your family. You haven't achieved much compared to others, or you feel as though they expected much more of you.
You love your children more than anything. However, you always feel like you're not doing enough for them. Not taking them to enough places, not buying them things their friends have or not being patient enough with them.
Whether you can relate to the above examples, or experience something similar, there could very well be reasons why you feel this way.
Repeated patterns of not feeling good enough is almost always a message that has been internalised during childhood from significant people in your life. It is then confirmed again and again by people and experiences and becomes part of your self concept.
How does this happen?
For example, a parent may have constantly praised you every time you achieved high scores in school, won the race at sports day or got the certificate for great work. They told you that you were so bright, so talented, and that you would go on to university and eventually have the best career. This sounds very positive doesn't it?
However, what happens when your scores aren't that great? What happens when you are not top of the class in college. And what happens when this incredible job does not materialise? You feel like a huge failure and that you're just not good enough. You're not the best any more, and you've been taught that being the best is when you are loved the most.
You were a very quiet and introverted child. The listener and the noticer, the one that saw how people really felt and the one that really understood their friends.
However, people continuously named you the shy one, apologised for your lack of conversation compared to your chatty sibling. They tried to protect you (and their embarrassment) by making excuses for your quietness. You began to see yourself as not good enough and who you were was embarrassing. So now, every time you are around people, you are filled with anxiety and feel like a huge waste of time.
You were always told as a child how helpful you were and how this was such a wonderful way to be. You were given huge hugs and smiles when you helped out with something. It felt great so you continued to do this to please people. You didn't get that response any other time.
As an adult, you are now unable to say no to people. This is who you are and to say no would feel so wrong. You believe that by always being there, people will like you. To say no to them terrifies you because you will be letting them down, and even worse, you won't be a good person anymore. But sometimes it gets so overwhelming. Sometimes, you really don't want to say okay.....but yet you do anyway.
There are many many examples of how even the most well meaning people in your life created your sense of self that you believe is the real you.
"I'm not capable."
"I'm boring."
"I'm always helpful and kind."
"I'm shy."
"I'm strong."
What can I do about it?
Self awareness is key to understanding where these doubts came from. By looking back and reflecting on the messages that were given to you over the years, can help you to come to terms with why you feel the way you do. Experiences that you went through can also have an impact, such as a parent leaving, an abusive relationship, bereavement or being neglected as a child. They can all get in the way of you being your true-self and realising your potential.
Counselling is an excellent resource to use to help you to work all this out. It provides you with the ideal conditions to feel safe enough to explore who you are amongst all the confusion. You will be within a relationship of trust, empathy and without any judgement.
If you feel this would benefit you, please feel free to ask any questions using the contact form below.
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